


Vader

by stuffilikeiwrite



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Because it's all Anakin, Canon Compliant, Character Analysis, Character Study, Dark, Gen, Pain, Poetic, Post-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Prose Poem, Sad, There never was a Vader, Vader and Anakin are the same
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25824529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffilikeiwrite/pseuds/stuffilikeiwrite
Summary: Vader is Anakin without a safe haven, without reassurance, without boundaries, without restraint, without a hand to hold.Vader is Anakin when left to his own vices, when unhinged, when enraged, when in despair; without a trace of human emotion left.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	Vader

Vader _is_ Anakin.

Vader is Anakin’s apathy in the wake of losing everything, and everyone one he ever loved or cared about. 

Vader is Anakin’s emptiness, when realizing he’s completely, and utterly alone. 

Vader the burden of the guilt Anakin carries on his shoulders; the bane of every life he has snuffed out, every man, every woman, every child whose blood stains his hands.

Vader is Anakin’s explicit self loathing, his self deprecation.

Vader is the suffocating feeling of having nothing left, nowhere to go, no one to turn to; nothing to live for.

Vader is what you get when you’re stripped of all love, compassion, happiness, and hope - leaving behind an empty, aimlessly drifting shell.

Vader is the numbness of depression; so overpowering that you’d hurt yourself, hurt others, further your own downfall only to feel anything but pain and disarray.

Vader is the trauma, the torment, the anguish; the horror of existing in a waking nightmare of your own making.

Vader is Anakin without a safe haven, without reassurance, without boundaries, without restraint, without a hand to hold.

Vader is Anakin when left to his own vices, when unhinged, when enraged, when in despair; without a trace of human emotion left.

Vader is Anakin; broken down into his most basic form, forced back into the mold of a slave, of a pet, of a prisoner - of an unthinking, unfeeling drone.

Vader is Anakin, unable to trap the people he loves in his own toxic, unapologetic, selfish and egocentric craving for praise and appreciation. 

Vader is loneliness, is solitude, is _desolation_.

Vader is Anakin’s self made prison, a hell of his own making; a punishment for the sins he continues to commit.

Vader is Anakin’s inability to forgive himself for his own mistakes, for failing to keep his mother and Padmé alive.

Vader is Anakin’s indirect refusal to admit he’s at fault; his near rabid desire to point the finger at Obi Wan, and Ahsoka, and the Jedi Order for his own crimes.

Vader is Anakin’s deepest, darkest desires - the lure of the Dark Side, the drug he can’t live without, the tempest that ate him alive and spit him back out more man machine, crippled and warped.

Vader is delirium, is blood thirst, is vengeance.

Vader is retribution, is deceit, is a _lie_.

Vader is Anakin; conditioned both by Palpatine and his own hand into subservience, into willful blind loyalty.

Vader is losing the will to live, desperate to die but not brave enough to end it all by one’s own hand.

Vader is like walking in a haze, like a puppet played by his master, like a joke without a punchline.

Vader is Anakin’s reality, is Anakin’s present, his future; and Vader is the shroud that buries his past under heaps of misdeeds.

Vader is Anakin’s _legacy_ , his cross to bear; the sole persona he knows to accept.

Vader is Anakin’s way to destroy every reminder of his own weakness, his own ambition, his own ignorance, his own faith in the wrong places.

Vader is rebirth, his death, is life; is an endless vicious cycle.

Vader is despicable, is deplorable; is the side of Anakin that can never seize to stoop to new moral low points, that has no regard for others, no regard for himself.

Vader is always on the go, always on a mission, restless; never allowing himself to dwell upon his own state of being.

Vader knows he cannot stay put, lest his demons rear their ugly heads, as they come to haunt him and remind him of memories he desperately wishes to purge and disperse.

Because he knows he’s _not_ Vader.

There is _no Vader_ , there has never been and never will be.

When he stops to think, when he falls headfirst into his own trap, into his own tangled web of lies - _there’s no Vader_.

When he allows the memories to resurface, of Padmé, of Obi Wan, of Ahsoka, of Shmi - _there’s no Vader_.

He cannot deny what they meant to him, who they were and how they impacted his life; how they helped lead him down a path he cannot break from - _there’s no Vader_.

There’s only him. His wife. His brother. His sister. His mother.

_Only Anakin._

Anakin, who longs desperately for the past he himself lay in ruins.

Anakin, who tries so hard draw a firm line between who he is, and who he was. What he was, and what he has become.

Anakin, who despite denying his own name, his own existence to absolve himself from his own guilt; can never forgive himself.

Anakin, who doesn’t even _want to_ forgive himself.

Anakin, who opts to writhe in anguish for the rest of his life, who knows misery and pity is all he truly deserves.

Anakin, who sees the image of his own fear in the eyes of every victim, who knows none of them may ever fear him as he does himself.

Anakin; who is small, and broken, and lonely; ripped apart for all the world to see. 

A goon, a monster; less than a man, less than human.

A failure, a disappointment, a liar, a murderer.

A brother, a son, a husband, a father.

Anakin, who hides behind a mask of indifference, of ruthlessness, of cruelty, of paper thin righteousness.

A lost, little boy.

A phantom, a ghost, a specter. 

Vader is a man whose spirit died, whose spark diminished, whose good intentions were rendered useless.

Vader is what rose from the ashes of Anakin’s crushed hopes and dreams.

Vader is, when left to his own devices; unable to act, trapped in a body that’s more cybernetics than flesh.

Vader is _nothing_.

Vader is _no one_.

Vader is Anakin who’s lost his way, lost his soul.

Vader made a deal with the Devil, only for the Devil to spit in his face and drag him straight into purgatory.

There, he writhes; unable to eat, or breathe, or speak for himself.

Anakin, who signed his own death penalty.

Anakin, who thinks of himself as a dead man walking.

Anakin, who knows that no matter how he tries to delude himself, he never can.

Anakin, who knows Vader is only an excuse; a scapegoat.

A joke, a pretense, a facade, a charade.

Anakin, who couldn’t cry even if he _wanted_ to.

Who wouldn’t die, even if he thought he deserved peace.

Who wants to be right where he is, at his master’s beck and call.

Anakin, trapped under his own thumb.

Anakin, who can never repent or be redeemed.

Anakin; condemned, and convicted.

Vader _is_ Anakin, and Anakin _is_ Vader.

One and the same.

Indistinguishable, inseparable, intertwined.

Two names, one person.

Two aliases, _one man_.

Anakin, who would lose his last scrap of sanity were he to admit it aloud.

Anakin, who can never look himself in the eye for fear of what he may see.

He’s the monster, he’s the villain, _he’s to blame_.

 _Not_ Vader.

Only _him_.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is me making at attempt at being allegedly poetic, while doing a character analysis of Anakin/Vader. It did well on tumblr, so I figured I'd post it here as well since it sort of works as a fic in a more prose form. Go figure, and enjoy!


End file.
